Have you ever found yourself yelling at someone you love, shutting down mid-conversation, or ghosting a relationship that was actually going well—and then spiraling into guilt, wondering, What is wrong with me?

I’ve been there. I would like to save you from those cycles of shame and self blame and let you know there’s a name for what you’re experiencing. It’s called the Window of Tolerance, and understanding it can change everything about how you view yourself and your healing journey.

Window of Tolerance is a simple, yet potentially life-changing concept…

Imagine your nervous system has a “just right” zone—like Goldilocks. Not too hot (anxious, angry, overwhelmed). Not too cold (numb, checked out, shut down). But just right: present, calm-ish, and able to think clearly and make decisions.

That’s your Window of Tolerance—the space where your brain and body can handle life without going into survival mode.

But trauma, stress, and hard life experiences can shrink that window. Especially for those of us who have had ongoing trauma like abuse, exploitation, or childhood neglect.

So things that might feel manageable to someone else—a tough conversation, a crowded room, a triggering memory—can send you outside of your window real fast. We find ourselves losing our temper, pulling away the moment someone gets too close, going into shutdown or getting completely overwhelmed or panicked– and wondering “What is wrong with me?”

There is nothing wrong with you.
You’re not broken.
You’re having a normal response to trauma.

Here’s how that might look in real life:

💥 You snap at your partner over something small
You’re not a terrible person. Your nervous system felt threatened, even if your brain didn’t register it. That’s called hyperarousal—when you’re outside your window and your body thinks it needs to fight.

🏃‍♀️ You ghost someone the minute they get too close
This isn’t you being cold or flaky. It’s a trauma response. Intimacy can feel dangerous if closeness in the past led to pain, betrayal, or harm. So your body runs, even if your heart wants connection.

😶 You shut down in conflict or go numb during stress
This is hypoarousal—when your system goes into freeze mode. It’s not laziness. It’s not weakness. It’s your body trying to protect you by going offline.

None of these responses mean you’re dramatic, unstable, or too much. They mean our bodies have learned to survive. And we don’t need to be ashamed of that.

The good news: You can grow your window

You can’t always control your triggers. But you can learn to recognize when you're outside your window and gently guide yourself back in. You can find your way back to the “just right” zone more and more often.

Here are some simple tools that can help:

🧘‍♀️ Breathe like it matters
Try a few rounds of deep belly breathing—4 seconds in, 6 seconds out. It calms your system more than you think.

📍 Name what’s happening
Try saying, “I feel overwhelmed right now. I might be outside my window.” Naming it helps you respond with compassion, not shame.

🌱 Choose safety in small ways
Wrap yourself in a blanket. Sip something warm. Step outside. Put on music that soothes you. These little acts tell your body: You’re safe now.

🧠 Remind yourself: “This is a response, not a flaw.”
You’re not “too sensitive” or “emotionally broken.” You’re rewiring old survival strategies. That’s brave.

💃 Move your body
Walk. Stretch. Shake it out. Trauma lives in the body, and movement helps release it.

💯 Ground yourself in the truth

“I am safe now.”
“This feeling is temporary.”
“I can ride this wave.”

“God is with me. I am not alone in this.”

Say what you need to hear.

👯 Connect
Being with someone who helps you feel seen and safe—whether a friend, a mentor, or support group—can bring you back into your window.

Final words from someone who gets it

When you’ve been through trauma, your body remembers—even when your mind tries to forget. But that doesn’t mean you’re stuck. It just means you get to learn a new way.

A way of noticing, without judgment.
Of honoring the past, without letting it run the show.
Of coming home to yourself, one breath at a time.

So the next time you’re tempted to ask, What’s wrong with me?
Try this instead:
What happened to me? And how can I give myself what I needed back then?

You’re not too much.
You’re not too broken.
You’re healing.

And that is holy work.

With love,
Harmony