Getting Out And Staying Out

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“Until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, most people prefer to stay the same.”
~Unknown

This quote perfectly describes the state I was in on the day that I left the industry. The scale tipped, ever so slightly, and the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving.

Like so many others, I took a leap of faith and walked away without any master strategy for leaving. I didn’t know where I was headed, I just knew I couldn’t go back to where I had come from.

Sometimes, I think we find ourselves waiting on the ideal circumstances in order to make major changes. We hope that one day the stars will align, we will have exactly enough money in our checking account, our bills paid off and poof, we will be ready to walk into the sunset, and leave that life, once and for all. I have yet to meet someone whose journey out looked like this.

For many of us, leaving the industry is the easy part. Staying out is the hard part. Once we walk away, we are often left with facing gaps in our resume, financial struggles, and deep feelings of loneliness as we leave behind old relationships. In the face of piling bills, rent to pay, and mouths to feed, the idea of fast cash can feel like a magnetic force drawing us back.

I couldn’t turn on the radio without hearing a song that instantly catapulted me into memories of the life I was leaving behind.

Part of me was relieved to be out.

Part of me missed it.

In some strange way, I hadn’t just become a part of the industry; the industry had become a part of me. I wondered if I would always feel that way.

If I had to pick one word to describe how I stayed out once I left, it would be “surrender.”

Staying out meant surrendering…well…EVERYTHING!

Money
Old ways of thinking about myself
Old ways of managing money
A lifestyle I had become accustomed to
A boyfriend I thought I couldn’t live without
A chance to put on lingerie and feel powerful, even if it was false and fleeting
The desire to be desired
Friends who didn’t understand or agree with my decision
Freedom in my schedule
My pride as I found my applications for menial jobs rejected
Did I mention money?

It felt like every area of my life was affected, in one way or another, by my decision to leave. Every day, sometimes every hour, I was presented with a new opportunity to surrender something.

Gradually, over time, surrender became more natural. I began learning new and healthier ways to think about myself, manage finances, engage in relationships, cope with stress and trauma, and deal with all of the change.

It wasn’t easy, but it got easier…one day at a time.

Have I thought of going back? Absolutely! Most of us do.

Even to this day, I still have dreams about it. That I am back in the club, hustling somebody. In my dream, the sense of my new life and who I am today sets in like a fog and I begin to panic and wonder how I ended up there again.

Yes, I have thought about going back. But I have never once regretted my decision to leave.

Love, Harmony