WHO
AM I?
My real name is Christina, not Crissy. “Crissy” was a name that came later and just sort of stuck. I am often asked how someone like me ended up in the adult film industry. I made some really bad choices in life, and I take full responsibility for them. I won’t be able to easily escape the reminders of my past, but I know that is not who I am anymore. I have a new beginning and a chance to help others to not make the same choices. Remember, it’s not our circumstances that determine who we’ll be, but how we deal with them, and it’s never too late to change.
I was born in Jacksonville, Florida. My earliest memories begin at age four. My daddy was gentle and loving, and my favorite memories have always been of sitting in his lap with my head on his chest. It was a comfort to listen to his voice and heartbeat while he rocked me in his chair, reading his bible or singing songs. He’d tell me that he was my “Daddy,” but God was my “Father.” My mother always had a song on her heart. Everywhere she went she was singing! It seemed to calm her soul and bring her much happiness. My mom was in the church choir. When she was in the front of the church, singing, she would tell my brother and I that she wanted to hear us singing from where she sat. After church we would always discuss what we learned during the car ride home.
Even though those years were the best memories, it was also during this time that I was first molested. I was swimming over at a neighbor’s house. This family had three little boys who we played with a lot. The father began fondling me while he was carrying me around in the pool. He took me to the bathroom and continued to touch me. I was about 5 or 6 years-old. I had no idea what was happening, but I felt sort of ashamed, so I didn’t tell anyone.
My brother, who was two years younger, was my best friend. He was very outgoing and always had a ton of friends. I was very shy; making friends was much harder for me! When I was 11 years old, I accepted the Lord as my personal Savior. I had a pretty in-depth understanding of the gospel. I felt the Spirit move in my heart, and, despite my shyness, I walked forward during an alter call. I prayed with my pastor as tears of happiness streamed down my face. I was baptized a week later. My number one goal in life was to serve God with every part of it. It was easy as a child to serve Him. I didn’t lie, cheat or steal, and I made all A’s and B’s in school. I was an all-around good girl.
At age 12, things drastically began to change. Our family moved a few times, new people were hanging out with my daddy and he stopped going to church. Out of nowhere, it seemed, he began drinking. The people he was associating with made me uncomfortable. They were all heavy drinkers and would just hang around the house. One of my dad’s friends had a son my age who was constantly trying to have sex with me. I would fight him off or tell on him. When I realized that his father was abusing him, I stopped and just dealt with it my own way. They lived with us for a while, and things were really rough.
My dad became an alcoholic. His thinking became irrational. He’d rage and lash-out at my mom. He’d go out to bars and come home with gun-shot wounds, broken knuckles, bruises and blood on him. He’d say he was preaching the Word, and someone didn’t like it. I remember wishing my parents would get divorced because I just could not stand to hear the fighting. Late one night, while my brother and I were asleep, we were wakened by my parents, fighting. The arguing was so bad, my brother and I just stayed in the room, scared to come out, crying. We heard things crashing, my dad yelling, and my mother crying and trying to plead with him. She would usually take us and go to my grandma’s, but this time, he was threatening her, so she ran out of the house without us. My dad came into our room, gave us each a trash bag and told us to put in them what we wanted to take. He then ran off with us to another part of Florida.
My brother and I missed our mom. She started coming out to visit us, and each time my dad would drink and become aggressive with her. She eventually stopped coming and just called. My dad’s behavior was too much to take at times. The alcohol was an everyday thing. I had the responsibilities of an adult: cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping… and making sure my dad was somewhere safe when he’d pass out. I was about to go into 8th grade when I told my daddy that I wanted to live with my mother. By that time my mother had remarried, and I felt I needed a more stable life.
My mother and stepdad didn’t attend church. Life with them was a lot different. My mother saturated herself with life with my stepdad. I never had a moment of her time to myself. I became withdrawn and lived in my own little world in my bedroom. I slept a lot, listened to music on the radio, and went to school. I lost sight of God’s presence in my life. I was very depressed. I prayed to Him and expected things to change and nothing ever did. I was so alone and so confused.
My dad had always put the fear of God in me when it came to having sex; my mom just told me to let her know when I did, so she could put me on birth control. I lost my virginity at age 17 to a guy who was much older. I didn’t love him, so I thought my heart would be safe. My depression took over my life, and I was failing high school. I went to summer school every year to get to the next grade. At age 18, I started dating a new boy who was in college. It was the summer before my senior year when I became pregnant by him. He and my mother took me to have an abortion. It took two trips to the clinic because, the first time, I freaked out when I saw the heartbeat on the sonogram. My heart was broken into a million pieces. I wanted to be a mother. I longed to feel the kind of love only a family could bring in my life again.
Eventually my mom and stepdad told me I needed to move out. This is when I began cohabitating with men. It was the best option I had, as I worked multiple jobs just to make half of the rent. I had no girlfriends. My search for love and approval continued into my adult life. I worked hard to keep my dating relationships together by trying to be the kind of woman any man would want. The men in my life never turned out to be the prince charming that I always thought I would have. At age 24, I discovered the internet at work. I put pictures on dating sites because it was hard to meet men since I didn’t have a community of friends. I became reckless with my life. Men were offering to fly me to different states to meet them. In pursuit of love, I allowed myself to be used for sex. During this time I put myself in many dangerous situations, and I won’t lie; there was a part of me that wanted to end up dead. There was also a part of me that thought, maybe someone would actually love me enough to rescue me.
This was also the time when I found an online modeling website. The “models” on the website didn’t look like what I had thought models looked like. They were regular people, and they had testimonies under their pictures from the photographers. I thought, maybe I could make a little extra money doing that. When the emails started coming in, I was beside myself. People actually thought I was pretty enough to pay to take photos of me? I was just a regular girl, never the one considered “beautiful.” The only problem was, I was pretty shy AND most of the jobs offered were nude or topless. After a few months of getting these offers and declining, I hit rock bottom after a break-up. Instead of reaching out to God (who I had lost hope was there), I took my first topless job. What did it matter? So many men who I had dated looked at it. Maybe if I was that girl they‘d have no need to look elsewhere. The photographer sent me beautiful photos of other girls he shot, and the fact that he wanted to shoot me made me feel somehow that I was as pretty as those girls. It made me feel desired. Not quite loved, but close enough.
It was only supposed to be a topless shoot, and the first time I took my top off in front of the photographer, I felt so inadequate. I’d never even been comfortable walking around in a bikini because I was so shy! I got completely nude on day-two of the shoot. I replaced the snapshots on my online portfolio with nude and topless photos. Within a couple months, I quit my office job of 5 years. I started a website which began making a monthly income, and I travelled a lot, taking tons of photos in hopes of making it into a magazine. People would email me about how my existence filled something in their lives. The strange thing was, as lonely as these men seemed, I was just as lonely. I too was searching for something to fill a void inside me. I became what they all wanted me to be. If someone told me I was beautiful, it made me feel good enough to stay alive. I felt pretty worthless, so, in my mind, at least I had some sense of purpose.
I was still having meaningless relationships in hopes that one might one day be meaningful. Each man who entered my life would lift me up just to break me down. The men in my life exploited everything about me. They would encourage me to go further in my limits in the business. Some even became involved as photographers or webmasters. They just wanted to take and take and take. I was involved with an abusive man for nearly 3 of the 6 years I was in the business. He introduced me to cocaine and crystal meth. I was a binge drug-user. I would use because he did. It helped me escape the reality of what my life had become.
A friend of mine saw how this man was treating me and helped me leave the relationship. I moved to Los Angeles, CA. After a year, I met and moved in with a new boyfriend. But, it seemed that the relationship was going nowhere. My boyfriend would send out my photos to his friends and brag. I never knew if he really cared about me, but I felt safe because he wasn’t abusing me. The relationship fell apart when I found out something that really hurt me. For the first time in forever, I cried out to God. I asked Him to show me He was there.
A few days later I met someone who led me back to God. He told me that God loved me and desired a relationship with me. I knew that God was, at that moment, speaking to me through my new friend. I broke down in tears, prayed with him and accepted the Lord back into my heart. From that day on, I did not do another porn shoot. I moved out of my boyfriend’s home into my first apartment, alone. I asked my webmasters to take my website down, but they refused since I was in a contract. They asked where to send my portion of the money, and I said, I didn’t want it--just take the site down. I had no job for months and got by with the help of donations and friends from church.
It took a lot of time to develop normal friendships. I was scared to death because I felt like no matter where I went I had a big sign on me that told who I used to be. I now was the real me, and I didn’t know how to be that person. Changing was hard. All the things I hid behind, like hair extensions, nails and clothes were gone. I felt so exposed. I think that if it hadn’t been for the conviction in my heart, I may still be there. I am thankful that Christ intervened. In Him I can live again!
And that's why I’m writing this to you. My hope is that my story will give you hope. God loves you and has a plan for your life. I love the words of Jeremiah: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
That's what God has done for me. That's what He'll do for you.
“Treasures has been one of my biggest supports since giving my life to Christ.”
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