WHO
AM I?
Well, first of all my real name is Christina, not
Crissy, and my last name is not ***** (my old porn
last name). You can still call me Crissy though It
has kinda stuck with me.
I grew up in Jacksonville, FL. Most of my life has
been a constant search for happiness and love. I was
raised in a peaceful Christian home (at first). My
parents loved each other. We went to church every
time the doors were open. When we weren’t in
church, we would talk about God and pray. My dad was
a pastor in a church when I was younger. My mom loved
to sing in the choir and was always singing everywhere
she went. My daddy was gentle and loving. I have a
brother who is two years younger than me. He was my
best friend. My favorite memory is sitting on my daddy’s
lap with my head on his chest and hearing his heartbeat
and listening to him read the Bible to me. It always
gave me so much comfort. He would tell me that he
was my “Daddy” but God was my “Father.”
I fell asleep peacefully many times in his lap while
he would rock me.
I was saved when I was just 11 years old. I lived
for God and loved him with all my heart! Of course,
being so young, I hadn’t experienced much of
life yet and didn’t know what roads I would
be led down.
Even though those years were the best memories, it
was also when I was first molested. When I was just
5 years old I went swimming over at a neighbor’s
house. My brother was with me playing with the three
little boys who lived there. Meanwhile their father
was fondling me in the pool. I was not sure what he
was doing, so I just ignored it. He took me to the
bathroom and did the same. I remember being in the
pool and seeing his wife looking out the window at
us. I assumed she knew, but I was too young to understand
what he was doing to me.
When I was about 12 years old things began to change
drastically in my life. We moved a few times and my
dad began to let different people live in our home.
We had a crippled man living with us at one point,
and another time my dad’s work buddy and his
son who was my age.
My dad began to change during this time. I still remember
the first time I saw a beer in his hand. My heart
felt like it stopped. His work friend drank heavily
and soon they became drinking buddies. Then his drinking
buddies just started coming out of the woodwork and
he stopped going to church with us. He still preached
and when he would get drunk he would tell all his
buddies how I was a virgin, and if any man every touched
me he would kill them. I would get so embarrassed.
My dad’s friend’s son started to molest
me. I just dealt with it because I saw the way his
father beat him, and I was afraid he would kill him.
He always had bruises. I would fight him kicking and
screaming, and my little brother would always try
to jump him when he could. I felt so dirty, but a
couple of people had already molested me by this time
in my life.
My dad had become an alcoholic. His thinking became
irrational. We were all afraid of him. He would go
out to bars and come home with gun shot wounds, broken
knuckles, bruises, and blood on him. He would say
he was preaching the Word and someone didn’t
like it. He started being very mean to my mom. One
time he flipped over our dinner table because she
cooked something in the microwave and he expected
everything to be fresh and homemade. He started using
his fists to break car windshields, our French doors,
and anything else that was around when he would become
enraged.
One my parents went to my dad’s work Christmas
party. They came home fighting. My brother and I were
in our bedroom crying as we heard them. My dad ripped
my mom’s beautiful red satin dress off of her
and I heard things being thrown in the other room.
My dad called my mom horrible names as she ran out
the front door. He said he would kill her if she left
with us. Often when they fought, she would take me
and my brother with her to my grandma’s house.
She left us there this time. We moved to another city
and weren’t allowed to tell our mom where we
were for a few days. My mom would visit us on weekends
and holidays.
Eventually her visits began to slow down. I was about
13 and having a hard time in school. I went from being
a straight A student to making one or two C’s.
I had become the woman of the house (as my dad called
me). I had to make his lunches, cook dinner, clean,
grocery shop, do laundry at the laundry mat, and take
care of my dad. He would pass out all the time. He
would preach to us all the time, but even though he
preached God’s Word, it was coming out of the
mouth of a drunken man. We were so poor that the church
would donate us food and gifts on holidays. He was
drinking all our money away.
My mom eventually remarried. I decided to go live
with her and my brother stayed to take care of daddy,
who cried and asked me what he was going to do without
me. He said, “First your mom leaves me and now
you are.” I told him that I was becoming a woman
and I needed my mom. I was strong and made the move.
My dad kept calling me and asking if I was still a
virgin or if I had become a whore.† My mom just
told me to tell her when I had sex so she would put
me on birth control. I was so confused. Both boys
and girls had molested me all my life and now I was
starting to enjoy it. I started to feel like the boys
liked me because I was pretty now and maybe they would
love me. I eventually lost my virginity at the age
of 17 to a much older man whom I dated for about six
months. I felt so much guilt, but I was also a little
excited about it at the same time. I felt as if I
was getting back at my parents. I also felt like I
was loved. God was still in my heart, but I started
to push Him away.
After I broke up with the older man, I dated another
guy when I was 18. This boyfriend was the one I wanted
to marry. I always thought about what it would be
like to have his baby and have a family of my very
own. I thought that if I had a baby I would have someone
who would always love me no matter what!
One morning I got sick as I was getting ready for
school. I didn’t think much of it until it kept
happening. I had my boyfriend bring over a pregnancy
test and sure enough, I was pregnant. I was so excited
that I was going to get married and have a baby! I
was in 11th grade and it was almost summer. A couple
of days after we found out, my step dad asked me if
I was pregnant because he saw me run to the bathroom
and get sick. I told him yes, and he told my mom.
They asked me if my boyfriend was going to marry me
and take care of me and I told him yes that was the
plan. A few days later my boyfriend said he changed
his mind.
My mom told me I had to have an abortion. I was mortified!
This was my baby, my one true love! They said I needed
to finish up summer school for 11th grade and my senior
year, and since my boyfriend wasn’t going to
be able to support me, that was all I could do.
A week later my boyfriend took me to the abortion
clinic with money my mom gave him. I went through
the counseling and everything, crying the whole time.
When it came time to do the sonogram, they asked me
if I would like to see the baby’s heart beat.
I saw this tiny little thing beating and I felt the
life inside of me. I realized it was really there
now. My very own baby! I began to cry hysterically
and told them I couldn’t do it and they escorted
me out to my boyfriend and told him the news. He looked
mad and drove me home.
My mom took me back herself a few days later and made
sure I did it. I wasn’t knocked out during the
procedure because I didn’t want to cost my mom
any extra money. I was awake listening to the machine
suck the life out of me. I screamed and cried and
three people held me down and told me to be still
or I would damage something and not be able to have
kids in the future.
My search for love and approval continued into my
adult life. I dated men and worked hard to keep the
relationships together by being the kind of woman
any man would want. The men I was dating were not
Christians and honestly I didn’t care as long
as they could tell me they loved me. The men in my
life never turned out to be the prince charming that
I always thought I would have. I thought someone would
come along and see something special in me and we
could change our lives together and have a family.
I thought someone would rescue me.
Eventually I began online dating and put my pictures
on a website where amateur models could solicit work.
The people on the website were just everyday looking
people and not the type of models you see in magazines.
They had testimonials on how they got work and I thought
that if they could get paid to model, then maybe I
could too. I soon began to receive emails asking me
to do nude modeling. I turned them down for a few
months.
After going through yet another devastating break-up,
I lost any sense of self worth I had left and I took
my first job. It was only supposed to be a topless
shoot, and the first time I took my top off in front
of the photographer I felt so inadequate. I had never
even been fully comfortable walking around in a bikini!†
I got completely nude on day two of the shoot. I replaced
the snapshots online with nude pictures that helped
me get more work.
I started Internet dating again. That eventually led
me to my longest relationship which lasted about 3
years. The person was extremely abusive and controlling.
He tried to kill me and every day he told me how worthless
I was. The first two years I was just trying to “save”
him. I did pray for him and tried to share God with
him. I thought that if I sacrificed myself (as much
as God did for us) that he would one day love me greatly.
He controlled my modeling career, my emails, my phone
calls, my friendships, my bank account, my life! He
did drugs and I began to do whatever he did. I thought
if I hurt myself it would be his wake up call. I did
cocaine, crystal meth, marijuana, and ecstasy. We
went through phases of drug use and I don’t
feel I ever had an addiction. Now that I look back,
I feel God was protecting me.
I eventually tried to get away, but He was with me
every minute of the day. If I was out of his sight
for five minutes, he would come check on me. One time
I jumped out of the car after he threatened to kill
me. I ran across lanes of traffic into a gas station
crying and screaming for someone to call the police,
only to appear crazy while my boyfriend carried me
away.
One day he tried to smother me with my pillow. After
hours of arguing, I ran out of the house and down
the street to a neighbors’ house. They called
the police and he went to jail. I tried to make plans
to leave, but his friends posted bail and he came
home before I could leave. I had a friend from Los
Angeles who told me he would come and get me. He didn’t
show up. My boyfriend talked me into dropping things
and trying to make it work.
A friend moved in with us and became our website’s
makeup artist and our personal assistant. He witnessed
a lot of the verbal abuse and bad treatment I was
getting one day told me, “Crissy, you don’t
need this.” One day we left my boyfriend for
a few days. I was free finally, but I decided after
talking to my ex that I should go back and get some
clothes and my money out of his bank account. He tried
to make me stay by physically blocking me into corners.
After I told him how much I hated him, he gave me
one small suitcase and told my friend, “Get
this whore out of here before I kill her! I am going
to put her 6 feet under!” That was†one
of his favorite lines. My friend and I ran out of
the house and left Las Vegas for Los Angeles.
I called my modeling manager and told him to book
me. I was broke and living off my friend’s credit
card. I expanded my work from online nude photos to
movies, photo shoots and magazines.
I went through more heartbreaks and became suicidal.
I was hospitalized for panic attacks. I tried to overdose
on Xanax, strangle myself, and cut my wrists, but
not nearly deep enough. I was too afraid of the pain.
I prayed that God would just take me away! I felt
helpless. I even went to church for a few months,
but I felt guilt so overwhelming that I would feel
as if I were choking when I was at church. I had to
choose, and once again I chose to continue living
the life I was living. It was easier and I needed
the money.
I later met a new boyfriend and lived with him for
a year and eight months. He was my last boyfriend
while in the adult business. I fell in love the day
I first saw him with his little boy. He was a great
father and reminded me of the good times I had with
my own.
I finally felt like I had a normal life, but there
were still things missing that I needed for a successful
relationship. I didn’t like that he had nude
and clothed pictures of his ex-girlfriends. I would
find them everywhere ... in the car, in his son’s
room, and tucked away all over the house. I didn’t
like his magazines. Although they weren’t “porn,”
they were filled with beautiful women in provocative
poses. It made me feel as if I was not good enough.
I thought that by being in porn,†I could be
both the “fantasy” and the girl he wanted
to marry, and he would not need anything else. I was
so wrong!
One day I found out that he had been to a strip club
and lied to me about it, saying he was at a restaurant.
During an argument, he threw my job in my face, which
he did often.† I told him I would leave it,
and he would say I couldn’t because I needed
the money. He revealed to me how he looks at other
women and thinks about what it would be like to be
with them and how it is okay and normal because he
is a man. It made me reflect a lot on what I did for
a living.
I spent a day alone and unable to eat, praying, writing,
and trying to sort out my feelings. I did so much
thinking about my life and my job. I started thinking
about the men who look at my pictures and wondered
what their lives must be like. I would get so many
emails from men telling me how beautiful I was. I
got gifts from time to time. I would get poems, and
emails asking for advice. I wondered how many of these
men were married. I thought about how many men might
not be finding true happiness because they are glued
to their computers. I was in the business 6 years
and some of them were in my life the entire time.
I started thinking of all the pain my own choice to
do porn may have caused.
I thought a lot about other girls in the business.
I am not judging anyone because I have no room to
do so. I have made my own mistakes in my life, but
I felt a real sadness for other girls. I had several
friends whose lives changed while being in porn. I
saw the looks fade with drug and alcohol use. I witnessed
their spirits being broken. I saw the way the men
in their lives treated them. I wondered if they had
the same pain I did throughout their lives.
The next day I flew out to see my boyfriend. He was
working on a television show. When I saw him I felt
different. On one hand I was relieved to be hugged
and touched, but I also felt the results of his betrayal.
I thought about it every moment we were together.
I went to the set with him to hang out and take pictures.
A friend of his came over with a picture of his friend’s
wife pulling up her top. He showed it to us and then
another guy named Chris and said, “This is what
married life is all about.” I said, “Well,
I really hope that the man I marry someday doesn’t
do that. I want him to cherish me.” He laughed
and Chris said, “I wouldn’t show my wife’s
nude pictures to anyone. That would just be for me.”
Everyone else was laughing but Chris wasn’t.
I was in shock. For so many years I had not heard
any man say something so respectful. I had always
been with men who would email my pictures or want
me to show my body to their friends or even want to
share me. I didn’t know there were men like
that. From that moment on, I listened to anything
this man had to say.
Later on my boyfriend went outside and I was left
there talking with Chris. He asked what I did for
a living and I tried to avoid the topic. He revealed
to me that he overheard my boyfriend and his friend
speak about it already, so I told him I did porn.
We talked about my life and relationships. He asked
me if I believed in God and I told him that I did.
We talked about his struggles also, which were similar
to that of many men. The difference was the way he
handled things. He had God in his life, and even though
he struggled he kept in God’s Word and prayer.
He didn’t just accept that he was a man and
was destined to be that way. His words were a testimony
to me.
When my boyfriend came back, Chris asked him if it
would be okay with him if he took me outside the set
to pray with me. We went outside and talked for a
bit and I accepted Jesus back in my heart. I felt
God’s love come over me. We prayed together.
Tears of joy fell down my face as I began to feel
brand new again. I made the choice from that moment
on not to go back to porn. I felt close to God again
and vowed to never walk in darkness again.
I broke up with my boyfriend and found my own place.
I had never lived alone! I have been going to church,
conferences, and meeting great new Christian friends.
I still love my old friends very much though and always
will. I pray that my life will be a testimony to them.
I have begun to live a celebrate life, which has provided
me much clarity and discernment. It hasn’t been
a long time and definitely hasn’t been easy!
I won’t lie!
My own choices led me to some of the pain I went through.
My choices were not of God. I wasn’t putting
Him first in my life. Even so, God will never give
us more than we can handle, and He will forgive you
and restore to you what you have lost. He allowed
me to go through the pain so He could mold me. He
has made me into the beautiful soul that I am. He
has forgiven me and made me a new creature!
I know that my search for love has now ended! I have
found the one true love of my life ... Jesus Christ!
He has always been there! I just pushed him away.
I hope that my story can help others to not make the
same mistakes I have.
GOD IS LOVE.
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